Dear Daughter

Merci mille fois, ma fille.

You have completely changed how I see our Good Father-

• your profound joy every morning when I wake you up...your laughter extinguishes all exhaustion lingering in my body. Every day is new and to be explored...not to be taken for granted but one to be greeted with such delighted expectation!
• your "ttok ttok ttok" knocking on every door in the house and firm expectation that it would open to you inspires me to have that kind of faith whenever I seek out new opportunities 
• that day you refused to let me open the container of blueberries for you...that broke my heart Es. I wondered, do you question my ability? do you doubt my love for you? do you doubt that I am for you and would do anything in my power to make you happy? It is a sobering realization knowing that even then I'll have days when I fail you, yet we have a Father who never will and has limitless capacity to be everything for you...my deep desire is that you would know His perfect love
• your unwillingness to hold my hand when exploring the world-despite my better knowledge of your safety-reminds me of the ways in which I stubbornly refuse to let the Lord lead me some days
• your fearlessness in jumping into the water and into my arms--even when I'm not ready. Your utter faith that I will catch you is the one of the best compliments. I pray I will rely on God like you.
• your existence--especially when you are fast asleep--brings me inexplicable joy. Even when you were a baby, I could stare at you for hours. No need to do anything-your very being is my delight.

Answered Prayer

 

October 16, 2020

...the day I said yes! to my forever partner on this side of heaven.

How good God is to bring us together!

Wilderness explorers. Adventure awaits!

Oh Sweet Blessed Reminder

"When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." -Matthew 28:17-20

In the midst of the enormous pressure I've been feeling these days and the doubts creeping into this heart of mine, His words are a wave of peace that brings tears to my tired and weary eyes.
You know me, messy and ill-prepared, as I drive from meeting to meeting. You see the tears roll down my cheeks. You hear my quiet cries for help as my hand is on the steering wheel. You pour into me at just the right times when every text message is another ask pulling me to another task. Yes, Lord. You are with me always, to the very end of the age. How blessed it is to be yours. 

Let's Talk! Dallas 2018

Learnings from organizing Let's Talk! Dallas 2018.

Lord, may I never forget your faithfulness from this past adventure. 

These are my stones of remembrance--let me capture them here. 

• Power of team. We were meant to be a community of Christ. It takes a village, and we cannot do God's work alone. When one person had to step back, another would step up. This was so organic in the MSG team, and I'm so grateful for the many times that the team covered for one another in every season. What a breath of relief it was when everyone safely arrived in Dallas! 
• Passion > Money. In fact, it's almost scary to see what people are willing to do and sacrifice when their passions come alive. It is what drew so many speakers from MA, PA, NY, VA, and TX to do this work for free. In fact, it actually costed many--time with family, time from work, sleep, finances. How beautiful! What a privilege it is to work with such passionate souls--so inspired by them. I can only pray God please bless your people to the tenfold.
• There is freedom when you're not in control. Every week leading up to the conference brought so much anxiety, and yet when it was the week of the conference, I found myself in utter peace knowing that there really wasn't anything that I could do that would dramatically alter the conference--that last week felt just right. God, knowing "there is nothing I could do" is such a good place to be--please keep me there always, in that sacred place.
• Follow your leaders. My mother's love was so tangible these last few weeks. She said, "끝가지가야지 마음이 편하지" as she drove me around the city, waiting patiently in the parking lot as I knocked on the doors of nearly every Korean church pastor circled in the local newspaper. Behind every child doing God's work is a praying figure--mine is mom. When ticket numbers were low, she believed that God can even move through my young age and broken Korean. Thankful for her courageous love and unwavering faith, for the laughter she brought me (our David dance), and her sneaky snacks appearing during my endless video calls. You can never doubt the results are from God if you've given it your all--go to the end and let God do the rest.
• 1 Timothy 4:12. "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity." Remember Pastor Choi at Semihan who spent the time listening to you fumble over your words that afternoon, who took the time to listen, who encouraged you, and who reminded you that even your broken Korean can be very powerful. You needed to hear that that afternoon. Knock and knock hard. 
• Humility of servant leaders. I was so blessed to visit pastors from all around the DFW area during the week--I would often pull into a church only to spot a pastor sweating as he lugged retreat food from one van to another or doing other handiwork around the building. When asked where the senior pastor was, I would often get, "제가 단임 목사님인되요..." How humble are your servants, oh Lord! Bless them, increase their territory. Remember them! 
• Faith is hard. The story of David approaching Goliath became so real. It was hard when adults seemed discouraged, and I'm sure David felt that way too. Faith is tested even with small things like ordering lunches for a conference when budget is tight--will they show up? There were so many moments when I blurted 240 and wondered, "Am I crazy?" It made me wonder if David, too, had those moments...moments when he questioned his sanity as he took off the armor and started approaching Goliath with a pocket full of stones. Faith doesn't come naturally for sinful people like me--I realized that faith is a choice you make every day. It was not my faith. Indeed it was the object of my mustard-seed-like faith, our great Father, who hears and answers.
• Faith may mean stepping in and getting wet. Thank the Lord for community. When it was hard, I remember sweet Anna who reminded me via text: "literally as the priests step foot INTO the river God moves...there's a touching and initiating until the very last moment...as patience and trust is stretched beyond understanding"--I will never forget the strength of this truth as we got to the very last minute with numbers. Yes, it was blind faith, carried by the dearest of friends--even blind faith is bold because we are never alone on this journey. Lord, thank you for everyone who willingly stepped into the waters with me. We get wet together. 

"The priests who carry the ark of the Lord, the Lord of the whole earth, will stand in the water of the Jordan. Then the water flowing from upstream will stop and stand up like a dam. So they broke camp to cross the Jordan River. The priests who carried the ark of the promise went ahead of the people. (The Jordan overflows all its banks during the harvest season.) When the priests who were carrying the ark came to the edge of the Jordan River and set foot in the water, the water stopped flowing from upstream. The water rose up like a dam as far away as the city of Adam near Zarethan. The water flowing down toward the Sea of the Plains (the Dead Sea) was completely cut off. Then the people crossed from the east side of the Jordan River directly opposite Jericho. The priests who carried the ark of the Lord’s promise stood firmly on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan until the whole nation of Israel had crossed the Jordan River on dry ground." -Joshua 3:13-17

• Mustard Seed. At the last church I visited, the pastor told me that mustard seeds are found all over Israel--they're actually meant to be scattered and not planted. So the fact that Jesus would mention planting a mustard seed displays the extra tender loving care He shows it. In the same way, the pastor reminded me that this work is very precious in God's eyes. Lord, this work was thought up by You--may we be faithful as You give the growth. Thank you for loving us. 
• Healing starts from me. I did not realize that this conference would end up reconciling wounds within my own family. Though at first hesitant, mom finally warmed up to sharing her story on stage with oppa. God was doing a work within this relationship, and I will never forget watching my family find healing during this first conference. Even dad said the panel was his favorite part--I know that that time was sacred for the Kang family. God, you never let go. 

The Answer is Awe

"Research shows that when humans experience awe--wonderment at redwoods or rainbows, Rembrandt or Rachmaninoff--we become less individualistic, less self-focused, less materialistic, and more connected to those around us. In marveling at something greater than ourselves, we become more able to reach out to others. At first, this seems counter intuitive, but on closer examination, it begins to sound a lot like the Great Command: Love God with heart, soul, mind, and strength (marvel at Someone greater than yourself)...love your neighbor (reach out to others). Awe helps us worry less about self-worth by turning our eyes first toward God, then toward others. It also helps establish our self-worth in the best possible way: we understand both our insignificance within creation and our significance to our Creator. But just like a child on an iPad at the foot of an eight-hundred-year-old redwood, we can miss majesty when it is right in front of us." -Jen Wilken, None Like Him

I am once again reminded to look upon the Creator when life throws itself upon me. When I feel overcome by the waves of this world and the doubts of my heart, may I sit at the foot of Jesus. Trust in His omniscience, omnipotence (His ability to act), omnipresence, immutability, self-sufficiency, self-existence, incomprehensibility, and sovereignty (His authority to act).

Happy Mother's Day

The Lanyard - Billy Collins

The other day I was ricocheting slowly
off the blue walls of this room,
moving as if underwater from typewriter to piano,
from bookshelf to an envelope lying on the floor,
when I found myself in the L section of the dictionary
where my eyes fell upon the word lanyard.

No cookie nibbled by a French novelist
could send one into the past more suddenly-
a past where I sat at a workbench at a camp
by a deep Adirondack lake
learning how to braid long thin plastic strips
into a lanyard, a gift for my mother.

I had never seen anyone use a lanyard
or wear one, if that's what you did with them,
but that did not keep me from crossing
strand over strand again and again
until I had made a boxy
red and white lanyard for my mother.

She gave me life and milk from her breasts,
and I gave her a lanyard.
She nursed me in many a sick room,
lifted spoons of medicine to my lips,
laid cold face-clothes on my forehead,
and then led me out into the air light

and taught me to walk and swim,
and I, in turn, presented her with a lanyard.
Here are thousands of meals, she said,
and here is clothing and a good education.
And here is your lanyard, I replied,
which I made with a little help from a counselor.

Eternal

"We live differently when we regard the future as a place we will go 'if the Lord wills.' God does not owe me the seventy or eighty years of which Moses speaks in Psalm 90 Every year he gives is a gift, gracious and undeserved. Thanks be to God, not just for the years he has preserved me but for the years he has ordained for me, perfect in number and known only to him.

How aware are you that your days are numbered? How willing are you to ask the Lord to teach you this precious truth? In the closing lines of Psalm 90, Moses makes one last remarkable request of God. He asks not once, but twice that our seventy or eighty years would have an impact that outlives their span.

Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!

Here is a remarkable truth: God is able to bring eternal results from our time-bound efforts. This is what Jesus intimates when he tells us to store up treasure in heaven rather than on earth. When we invest our time in what has eternal significance, we store up treasure in heaven. This side of heaven, the only investments with eternal significance are people."  - Jen Wilken

A beautiful reminder as I begin this next phase of job-searching, soul-searching, call it what you will. Lord, what an adventure it is walking with you. May my eyes grow wider, my faith grow deeper, and my hands grip yours tighter in all this.