looking back. waiting. listening for the low rumble of the RER.
My Struggle.
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." -Romans 7:15
In little and big ways, my heart has been screaming these very words. A friend and I began to call our rooms "the black hole" and aptly so. Every time I say I'll do research, I end up finding other things to do. 8pm becomes 11pm, which soon becomes 1am. It's terrifying how quickly time is flying and how nonexistent my thesis is.
I've been stressed lately. Studying abroad is not a free vacation. I feel emotionally stretched and tested. I've become so me-centered and vulnerable here. Rather than focus on one thing at a time, I've been skimming through a mental checklist, floating from one thing to another and unable to clearly accomplish anything. It has left me frustrated and even lonely sometimes. I've become self-absorbed and weighed down with worries. I've lost sight of the God who has been holding me this entire time. I've forgotten that he provided the way here, and that he will be the one to lead me to my next stop.
When I recently received an email from my dear brother that ended with "desire a heart for the lost, shinhae," I began to weep. It was like someone put up a mirror against my heart and I was exposed--my self-centeredness and lack of faith stared back at me, and I was anguished at what I found. I want to move forward, but I look backward. I want to reach out, but instead I hold back. Is this how you were feeling too, Paul?
Note to self: I'm not here to plan my future. I'm here to enjoy and learn from this very moment.
My Prayer.
"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." -Romans 3:1-4
To set my mind on things above. To find value in what is eternal. To invest in relationships and set aside selfish ambitions. To constantly check the motivations of my heart. To rejoice in Christ and delve into the things He puts in front of me every morning. Daddy, what do you want to show me today? Which part of your heart will I see today?
looking forward. trusting. regardless of destination.
