Inside Out

Praise the Lord.

I can feel the cold medicine beginning to take its course, but I have an urge to write down my post-retreat thoughts before I head to bed tonight.

After four days of serving as a counselor for high school seniors at our joint youth retreat, my body is so beat, but my mind is strangely alert. After receiving a text from one of my small group girls just now, I feel even more pressed to write.

I was immediately drawn to this year's theme, which was advertised on the posters plastered to the church doors:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." -2 Corinthians 1: 3-4

It was about healing and recognizing the purpose of pain in our lives. All through this past fall semester and especially more so during the break, I have been wrestling with an ache in my heart. I have been desperately clinging to the promise of the coming restoration in Revelations, while learning to identify the present idols in my heart (I highly recommend "Counterfeit Gods" by Tim Keller), yet I have been simply asking God to heal me from the past for selfish reasons...so I can move on and not hurt anymore.

I felt like I was force-feeding myself...doing anything to shield me from this feeling of nothingness, worthlessness. I cut myself from almost all communication so I could spend some time alone with Him and have been begging God to free me from the chains enslaving me...chains that I put myself in when the cross was placed before me. When I saw the retreat posters and heard about the need for counselors, I asked God to use me in my state of weakness. It was a bold move since I obviously was in no position to counsel a group of girls, but I clung to this promise:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9

As the speaker spoke about the divisions between first and second generation Korean-Americans, immigrant family life, church splits, and his own suffering, God was probing into my own heart and allowing me to see His grace through the trials in my own life. He was teaching me to not selfishly desire my own healing but healing so that I could comfort others.

Whoever thought that my beautiful group of girls was going through so much hurt? Their stories were ones you came across once in a while in books or compelling speaking engagements...not ones that should have been coming out of the mouths of young high school seniors. It didn't seem fair. There was so much pain buried in their hearts that it was overwhelming to hear. All this time I thought, They're so young, Lord. How could they carry this on their own, Father? I was humbled beyond words. Once again, I didn't know what to say but to simply cradle them in my arms and cry out to God with them, rocking back and forth together sobbing. I saw a gradual transformation take place within my own small group. The implicit social divisions that were obvious within the group disappeared as each girl embraced one another, and for the first time, they were eager to share the weight that they were carrying for so long.

As their hurt consumed my own heart, I realized that God was healing me. My own hurt finally served a purpose-it seemed so insignificant compared to theirs, but it became a bridge for me to connect to and cry with girls whom I met just a few days ago. God was using my own story to help them understand theirs. God was teaching me to praise Him, and shout again:

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

May this be my life song, Father.

Daddy, you are so faithful. Please forgive me for my times of unbelief. Thank you for healing through my baby sisters. As we are now yoked to one another, I pray that we continue to lift each other up in our hearts so that we continue to grow to be more like you in the broken world we live in. I thank you that I don't have to be completely healed to be used by you. I thank you for my own pain and for drawing me even closer to you through it. I thank you for the burdens of guilt and hurt that have been lifted off of so many of your children this week. I pray that you continue to guide us and teach us to use our suffering to glorify your name. Daddy, may we learn to dance and praise your Name in the most difficult times. Break us, so that we will come down to our knees, stretch out our arms, and call you Abba Father because knowing you in the toughest of times is better than not knowing you in a life of comfort. Thank you for teaching me that any change in the family, church, or world, begins with us. It starts with me. In your Son's most precious name, Amen.

From the inside out.

Merry Christmas

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God--children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.'" From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made him known." -John 1: 1-18

Oh, the day that God has made him known. Merry Christmas, everyone<3

PS. something that also touched my heart tonight: msnbc article

happy birthday brotherbear

So my brother turned the big twoFOUR today. Look at how much you've grown, oppa. hehe :)

In elementary school, I still remember walking back home from school, following his every step when crossing the streets, and hiding from our parents to surprise them after they came home from work. I remember one especially rainy day when we found a puddle blocking our usual path home. Of course my brother could easily jump over it, but this same feat proved impossible for my little legs. To my shock, he put his saxophone case across it so I could cross over his makeshift 'bridge' without getting my shoes wet (you may be happy to know that the water wasn't deep enough to seep into the opening of the case and thereby kill the instrument). Though now I sometimes look back at this and wonder WHAT he was thinking, I still remember feeling like a little princess that day as he walked me across his saxophone case. hehehe.

As we grew older, we would team up when we got into trouble with our parents, get into little fights ourselves (more like cat-and-mouse chases around the house), and watch WWF Smackdown together every Thursday night. When there was a thunderstorm, I would come and sit on the floor beside him as he played games on the computer. I would count the seconds in my head to calculate our proximity to the lightning, shiver at the next sudden crack of thunder, and immediately squeeze my eyes shut. When the storm finally receded, I would quietly get up and waltz back into my room. And there goes my little thunderstorm ritual.

Basically, he always took care of me growing up, which may explain why I always felt safe around this big brother of mine.

Happy Birthday to you, brother dearest.
May God bless you all the more, as you begin this new chapter in your life.
I'm so proud of you, you old fart :]

Love,
this little sister of yours

Cameroon Update

"Ginny Bradley was granted the opportunity to meet with the Limbum and Yamba speakers at Grace Baptist Church recently to show them what materials are available in their languages. They were very interested in what she had to offer, and as a result they are interested in starting listening groups here in Yaounde. Praise God for this interest and pray that through it these people will gain a better understanding of God's Word."

-email that I got today from Paul, one of the trip leaders this past summer


Praise God<3 Oh Cameroon, you are so so missed. May you be so so blessed.