Morning Commute

looking back. waiting. listening for the low rumble of the RER.

My Struggle.

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." -Romans 7:15

In little and big ways, my heart has been screaming these very words. A friend and I began to call our rooms "the black hole" and aptly so. Every time I say I'll do research, I end up finding other things to do. 8pm becomes 11pm, which soon becomes 1am. It's terrifying how quickly time is flying and how nonexistent my thesis is.

I've been stressed lately. Studying abroad is not a free vacation. I feel emotionally stretched and tested. I've become so me-centered and vulnerable here. Rather than focus on one thing at a time, I've been skimming through a mental checklist, floating from one thing to another and unable to clearly accomplish anything. It has left me frustrated and even lonely sometimes. I've become self-absorbed and weighed down with worries. I've lost sight of the God who has been holding me this entire time. I've forgotten that he provided the way here, and that he will be the one to lead me to my next stop.

When I recently received an email from my dear brother that ended with "desire a heart for the lost, shinhae," I began to weep. It was like someone put up a mirror against my heart and I was exposed--my self-centeredness and lack of faith stared back at me, and I was anguished at what I found. I want to move forward, but I look backward. I want to reach out, but instead I hold back. Is this how you were feeling too, Paul?

Note to self: I'm not here to plan my future. I'm here to enjoy and learn from this very moment.

My Prayer.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." -Romans 3:1-4

To set my mind on things above. To find value in what is eternal. To invest in relationships and set aside selfish ambitions. To constantly check the motivations of my heart. To rejoice in Christ and delve into the things He puts in front of me every morning. Daddy, what do you want to show me today? Which part of your heart will I see today?

looking forward. trusting. regardless of destination.

le Mercredi

I love Wednesdays.

Like a bear coming out of hibernation, I emerge from my little old office and step out into the open air. I traverse the beautifully sun-lit courtyard of la Schola and enter this little classroom where these little French kiddies await me.

the one not listening is Alexandre who has the coolest purple glasses

Rather than the Wednesday "hump", I consider this the "peak" of the week, and I look forward to it with all my heart. This is the day when all the children of Paris come out to the beginner dance and music classes here. After observing 5-yr olds doing ballet (in pink tutus!), I assist with three music classes in the afternoon.

My kids who range from 4 to 6 years of age are learning to read music notes right now. I quickly learned that the French use the "do-re-mi" instead of the "c-d-e" but kids are so forgiving. Who was I to think that I was done translating...haha. I love how they tell me their life stories as if I was a native French speaker. They're so quick to accept you and your flaws, these little ones. The music teacher gave me a book of traditional French songs that the kids like to sing. It's so interesting to see how some of the tunes that we're so familiar with are translated in French.

One of my most memorable moments will be playing some of these songs on my violin and hearing the little ones sing along to it. It's a musical "discovery" class for kids, so they get to hear different instruments almost every week, learn to read notes, and sing songs.

my kiddies on stage for their first theatre production. hehe.

Last week my older kids got to sit in on an upper-level theatre class and even do some acting themselves! They used masks like drama productions back in the day. They were a bit shy, but I felt like a proud mom watching them intently follow the director's instructions on stage.

a frustrated Guitterie trying to blow into the "flute traversiere"

It has been only two weeks and I'm already attached to some of them. This little one in the golden curls grabbed my leg once and would not let go. I guess she grew fond of me since I'm the only other girl (aside from the professor) in her music class. It's hard to say bye every week to a child that adorable and I could already see that the other boys think so too. I better keep an eye on this one. ;]

Needless to say, I look forward to tomorrow. And of course on the topic of adorable French children, I also look forward to sleep. Judging from the past few classes, I'm going to need it.

Bonne nuit, tout le monde.

merci pour vos prières.

I miss

...sitting down for dinner with my family.

mommy's yummy creations. watching her stir the pot and memorizing her every move. chatting about our day. daddy's Korean chicken stew. licking the sauce off my fingers. showing off our stuffed bellies afterward. oppa's juicy steak. the smell of the grilled onions. munching on homemade cookies, popcorn, and an array of Korean snacks while watching television to, you know, "digest" =P

...Wednesday nights in Cabel apartment.

the endless conversations that are sparked over a particular verse. sharing little life stories over a cup of hot tea and chocolate-covered goodies. the tears of joy, sorrow, and laughter that we shared. taking my shoes off and curling up into a ball. nestling into Emily's plush lounge chair. reminding ourselves of God's faithful love. feeling my leg go numb after hours have passed by in that cozy living room. holding hands and praying together. walking back home with Margaret Ann giggling over the things we've learned and going to bed full of hope and joy. being surrounded by sisters. the sound of their voices and the laughter that filled the room. i'm excited to move into this same room in the fall. whee! <3

...free refills.

with the endless carbs coming my way here in Paris, i'm always left thirsty at dinner. my brief time in London further exacerbated the situation where it costs about 2 pounds to refill a cup of soda half-filled with ice...that's over 3 dollars! my wallet's getting lighter and lighter here...sometimes i feel like the prodigal daughter.

...my string quartet and wedding gigs.

i miss picking up my instrument and playing. i've been listening to a lot of music interning at a music school, which i really appreciate. but there's something inside of me that tells me that it's time to start playing again. my poor violin has taken quite a vacation under my bed.

Day One: All Things Old and Beautiful

Currently listening to one of my favorites: Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 2 in C minor

After spending a day at a music school in an office right beneath an organ, I've been listening to classical music nonstop. As I bit into my baguette at breakfast this morning, I couldn't savor it like the other days because I was too busy shoving troubling thoughts to the back of my head. I eventually hopped off the train, walked a few blocks, and nervously stepped into La Schola a few minutes early. It's an old music school nestled behind a beautiful church in the 5th arrondissement, and I still have yet to explore all of it. I did not expect to be given much work the first day, but I was escorted into my own little office, which looks out into the school courtyard, and was promptly handed my first translation assignment: the application to the school...front and back...into English. Let's just say that I learned a lot of music vocab today.

frightened yet excited girl with her first assignment

Mm it felt good to be back...back to the musty smell of an old music conservatory surrounded by rows of dusty shelves filled with yellowing treasure troves of masterful pieces. There's an eerie, tranquil feel to the whole place that immediately put me at ease--it's also nice to be serenaded by stringed instruments in the afternoon. It reminded me of my own conservatory days when I would sit by the door fumbling through my etude books one last time before my professor would step out to usher me in for my lesson. Hm nostalgia hit hard today.

Yes, I just began the honeymoon stage of my internship, but I have a good feeling about this one. Thank you Lord. You were right. You always are. May I continue forth without complaining, but do everything with thankfulness and joy in my heart. All for you. Yes, even translating applications. Big or small, may I treat every task given to me as if it had been commissioned from above, from you, my big boss. Thank you daddy :)

To end my first day post, it looks like I can check something off my bucket list! I was walking back from my lunch break when I found a store literally called "maison de la bible" right around the corner! I hurried over right after my internship and chatted with the lady there who recommended me a good version to read--I finally chose: La Bible en français courant. It's just after the children's version in its level of difficulty, which means...it's perfect for me! :)

bucket list #2
short term: obtain a French Bible next semester => done (022811)

happy me with my new find--and look, it's yellow! hehe.

And now for the second part...."long term: read it in its entirety in French."

Hey, an hour lunch break every day? Perhaps I should lay off the recent sugar cravings with something more wholesome to my body

....my mind

...my heart

....and my soul.

I yearn for the day when my heart too, will genuinely cry out:

"How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" -Psalms 119:103