Hello 2 0 1 4.
After an early breakfast and seeing my brother off to the youth retreat,
I returned home with the parents for a very relaxing first day of the new year.
Despite my slightly swollen gums from the wisdom teeth extractions yesterday,
my stubborn self mashed and chewed my mother's
impeccable homemade mandoo and dduk gook :)
Meanwhile, a sudden break in our boiler led to an unexpected flood in our kitchen.
Thank the Lord for a family with a sense of humor, because what could've been a
stressful incident ended up in laughter and silly walks with the parents to a vacant apartment
for impromptu showers as we ourselves felt like we were at a retreat center.
From the onset of the new year, God has shown my family
what a blessing it is to have running water.
Lord, what else will you show us this year?
Break has been bittersweet--each day at home meant more time with family
but also came the slightly incredibly unnerving fact that I was one day closer to my flight
back to Philadelphia where another six months of exhaustion awaited me.
Break has been so good, but I've found myself emotionally burdened.
After rolling around at home watching movies with my parents,
I decided to follow them to the Wednesday evening service at church
...where it slowly came together. Little by little.
From my impromptu trip to Village Church last Saturday
to the service this evening and my coffee date with dear sisters afterwards,
God has been showing me the source of the brewing in my tummy all along.
The brewing that was unsatisfied with my jadedness, exhaustion,
and my frightening indifference towards everything.
The brewing that recognized something's wrong and
constantly shouted, why are you putting everything off
and...why are you so afraid?
This brewing that began in August and continued to silently torment me
as my dread of going back to Philadelphia grew larger by the minute.
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified" -1 Corinthians 9:24-27
Direction is more important than speed.
I've been bombarded by "you're so young" and yet coming home to more adult questions
like "where will you be going next?" and "are you seeing anyone lately?"
Knowing my second year as a TFA corps member is nearing its end,
my heart's been frantically trying to figure out where to go next
and have only been frustrated at the many logistical obstacles that any path seems to present.
Rather than looking ahead at what Christ has already won for me,
rather than working from the victory, and living boldly knowing what is to come,
I've been trying to secretly run this race alone...beating the air and running aimlessly in the process.
This leads me to reflect on what has been a quiet exhausting start to my second year of teaching.
A dear sister pointed out that it's hard to love with the mindset of "I must love on these kids"
but rather my love should simply be an outpouring of the love that I receive from Christ.
And this has been the source of this deep "brewing" in my tummy.
I'm embarrassed to say that my priorities had unknowingly shifted this year
to one that placed my workplace above Christ and the church.
Every time I saw the church bulletin list its many needs,
I've been putting it aside and saying "I have so many lesson plans tonight.
I will be more active in the church once I get my own life together"
But what is this life I speak of?
A life somehow perfected in the classroom and yet
devoid of an intimate relationship with my Savior?
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,
and all these things will be added to you"
-Matthew 6:33
Daddy, it's so humbling realizing how weak I am...
that I find myself in this place again.
And yet you graciously reveal to me my failings
so that I can run back to you.
Help me to know you more and love you more this new year.
That rather than a sprint, I run this marathon joyously
being certain of what you've done in the past
and of what you secured for me in the future.
May I thus run in this present all the more boldly
knowing that it is simply You my heart truly desires.
...and all else?
Well, all else can just fall into the places
God intends them to.
Happy New Year, 2014.
Here's to running more deeply and boldly
wherever He takes me.
