I'm Glad You Came

Thankful for dear people who traveled near and far to show me and Dallas some love this 2014 year.

grandpa Kang rocking his splendid hair and endearing wrinkles

dear roomie Carol flying over to eat some pizza with me in Austin

MeMoore driving up to hang out before her LSATs and trying some Emporium Pie!

High School buds Jenn and Winslow flying down for joyous post-Christmas festivities

Thankful for Winslow's suave photography skills and Jenn's joyful spirit

Road trip buddies showing up at my doorstep one Sunday evening with some flowers and pie!

As someone who expresses love most through words and not enough quality time, I'm thankful for friends who chip away and "intrude" into my stubborn "i'm busy" heart in love and grace. 

Thankful for your friendship, wisdom, and love.

Late Night Tacos

Taco Cabana//
Around 3 am. Aluminum wrappers and used napkins strewn across the table.

Our friend mentions his constipation during a summer mission trip
(Loud enough to catch the ear of a passing waiter who bursts into laughter)
We all sat giggling around the table like young teenagers
In swoops the waiter who asks how our meal was before offering to take our trays.
He asks expecting an answer, not the kind prompted by employee obligation.

He has a genuine smile.
One that seems to hide a secret joy inside and one that can't be contained.
(and I was right...it can't be)
He asks about the mission trip.
We respond (not knowing we were a part of his mission).

Jesus.
He lights up.
Oh Jesus. He saved my life.
He makes a fist and gently taps his chest
He is so real. He is so good.
Praise Jesus.

Silence.
His testimony. Five sentences.
So real. So genuine.
A waiter at Taco Cabana.
Witnessing Jesus at 3 am.

It's funny. I just wanted to sit there.
And listen to him more.

HUGS

The students at my elementary school are expected to abide by strict hallway procedures,
one of them ironically being "HUGS"

As soon as a teacher says, "Get in HUGS," the kids wrap their arms tightly across their little chests, face forward, and shuffle their two feet into a floor tile and quietly proceed behind their peers.

As an outsider, I've found it quite amusing to watch this take place
every time I enter the building to pull a student out for assessments.

On Friday, I pull two students from their classes.
One first grade boy whose constant smile gives away his missing two front teeth.
One first grade girl with a deep set of dimples and a long braid secured by plastic flower barrettes.
Both are shy but clearly excited to roam the halls with me.

I put on a stern face and whisper, "Give me HUGS," with a clear visual in my head of what was to ensue.

Except before I know it, these two come forward with arms outstretched and hug my legs.

I substitute two words
and strict disciplinarian
becomes teacher who needs some lovin.

These little ones sure know how to melt someone's heart on a chilly Friday afternoon.

Mementos: Tribe Pride

Driving to have dinner with some friends.
I stop at the red light.
A tan car pulls up beside me and honks.
Confused, I look over.
Young man excitedly motions me to roll down my windows.
Confused, I do.

"TRIBE PRIDE!" he yells as he fist-pounds me mid-air
I laugh, returning the gesture, realizing he saw the bumper sticker
"What year?!" I yell across the passenger side.
"DINWIDDIE 2004!"
"FAUQUIER 2012!"
"Ooohh~Fauuuuuuquier"
"Looks like we both got stuck in Botetourt!"
"TRIBE PRIDE!"
Grinning, we both drive away

Feeling more at home in this dry desert tonight.
Refreshed to know that this stranger
understands the grassy field I once frolicked across
with memories linked to mine.

Two souls meet at a stoplight.
Yes, indeed.
Tribe pride.

Sometimes

Forty-Seven Minutes

Nick Flynn, 1960

Years later I’m standing before a roomful of young writers in a high school in Texas. I’ve asked them to locate an image in a poem we’d just read—their heads at this moment are bowed to the page. After some back & forth about the grass & a styrofoam cup, a girl raises her hand & asks, Does it matter? I smile—it is as if the universe balanced on those three words & we’ve landed in the unanswerable. I have to admit that no, it doesn’t, not really, matter, if rain is an image or rain is an idea or rain is a sound in our heads. But, I whisper, leaning in close, to get through the next forty-seven minutes we might have to pretend it does.

Mementos

Saturday afternoon /
mom's chopping veggies /
i ask her opinion on a playlist for my cousin

me: how about this?
plays song on iTunes
mom listens intently
mom: ...hrm I like that "car race" song
me: ....you mean "chasing cars"?
mom: ... ^^;

Grandpa Moments

Oh how I will miss..

• setting up the table under his watch, making sure he gets "the right" spoon and chopsticks
• spending 2 hours going over our family tree as he scribbles in unfamiliar names on the back of a ripped calendar
• waiting as he smooths out the top of his head while carefully slipping on his stylish hat
• saluting the opening elevator doors with a "standby....execute!"
• watching him put on his best outfit before heading out to comfort a fellow marine comrade 
• smiling as he prayed a blessing on my aunt's head on her 50th birthday
• nodding in agreement as he looks into my eyes and firmly states, "we have two ears but one mouth because God wants us to listen more and speak less!"
• sorting and eating vitamins with my faithful healthy old man
• listening to him tell stories of my grandma and the beautiful lady she was

Mementos

...that time I flagrantly disobeyed mother's orders.

Sorry momma, I couldn't resist.

Travel Tip #4: When in the Eastern coast of Korea, splurge on raw fish. The sooner you eat it the better. This one was alive just 10 min ago. Feeling like a ruthless carnivore today.

Reunion Weekend

Travel Tip #3: Keep the destination in mind when booking Greyhound

Despite my slight aversion to Greyhound (I've just happened to have awful experiences in the past from getting hit on by a passenger to heaving in unhealthy amounts of fast food to screaming babies and crazy delays), I gave it another shot and came away quite satisfied.

No, it was not due to the cheap price nor the surprisingly punctual departure and arrival of my bus rides. It was instead due to the anticipation of seeing my college besties and the memories of the weekend that made the return easier. Oh, how I missed these sisters.

It's amazing to think that one of my lovebirds, ms. sarah snugglemuffins, is already beginning her hunt for her wedding dress and is in a new season of life. How incredible to be able to share these beautiful moments with her! Praise You, Lord. 

As we age together, may we always remember the foundation of this friendship. Our faith in a God that is bigger than the intricate plans we have together. I praise God for the ways in which He has knitted us together--from the day we set foot on campus to the day we got to witness our dear sister try on her white dress 6 years later. God, you are so so faithful. 

Photo Reel: Spring Break

Selfie with the Bestie

Breakfast date with Appabear

April Showers bring May flowers!

hehe I wanted to carry the sun with me

yummy brunch reunion with old orchestra buds and giggling over memories made in South America

breakfast date with the dear roomie

dinner is served...

for some beautiful faces of RCF!

finally got to have my babies together...how faithful God is!

hehe beer and wings with my rebellious mother ;]

drives with the family are the best drives

Kang family does buffet

adorable plane snack reminding me of my momma's gentle love

Scratch out lucky. Add instead "blessed"

Forgetful Me

During this Lent season, I prayed that I would be made painfully aware of my sins and that I would come into true repentance that is pleasing to God. Little did I know that it would come in the form of a student knocking over my new laptop this afternoon. When I realized the damage done, anger and frustration welled up inside me--nearly the same gut-wrenching feeling I got when my phone was stolen from my backpack last fall, when my iPad charger was taken from my desk drawer, and when my candles were burned to the core this week without me knowing.  I felt violated and slapped by injustice. I realized right there just how much value I was placing on earthly possessions. 

" If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."   

-Colossians 3: 1-4

Thank God for my mother who reminded me, "Cathy, you're not surprised, are you? You went there for missions. You are supposed to be losing things." Keep giving even if you get nothing back. Give grace because you have been shown grace. Forgive. Love. Love even when it hurts to. And that is when I realized how much I lost sight of it all this year. 

So much value was placed on my performance and impact as a second-year teacher, that I've forgotten the joy of loving, of giving, of spending money and time to the excess. I began to cave into the pressures of job performance that I've begun to see my children as a means to an end rather than an end itself. Dear students, forgive me.

Tonight, I praise God for when I forget....He forgives.

Are You Okay?

Response from a current student who I reached out to last week:

Hey Ms. Kang

Yeah there's a lot going on, but im really emailing you to see if you are okay.

Friday afternoon.

I was ready for that last bell to ring to close the end of a rough week

and signal the beginning of a much-needed weekend to rest and recharge.

Little did I know that seconds before the end of the last bell,

in the solitude of my quiet prep period,

the piercing loud speaker would go on 

Teachers, we are in lockdown.

Doors slamming in the hallways

madness

confusion.

Students swarming in all directions.

Colleagues nervously poking their heads out.

The poor substitute across the hallway

searching my face for cues on what to do next,

yet I, too, was a blank road map. 

Girl running down with a furrowed look

Left hand pressed against a bloody right arm.

A trail of red droplets before my feet. 

Is this actually happening?

Security sternly commanding teachers

to hoard the remaining students into empty classrooms.

Channel 6 and NBC crews already stationed on the grounds.

Helicopters flying overhead.

Strange bitterness and anger welling up.

Students beginning to crowd around my window,

trying to get a glimpse of what's happening down below.

SWAT team officers moving in.

Making eye contact with an unexpected Asian male

dressed in officer uniform

as I stood bearing my school lanyard.

Both making eye contact

feeling out of place

wondering

why are you here?

Chaos.

Searching for answers--who got hurt?

Please don't let it be one of my kids.

Who shot the gun?

Please don't let it be one of my kids.

And in the midst of it all,

my student gently looks into my furrowed face

"Ms. Kang, are you okay?"

And that is what disturbed me the most.

My students...

whose first reaction when hearing a car skid by is

to duck down immediately 

because they were conditioned to do so.

My students...

who have seen this more often than television

that the first thing they would do is to

console a teacher who thought her job 

was to protect them.

Oh Lord, be my refuge and strength.

Photo Reel: Winter Break

Giggles from the kitchen

27-year-old oppabear

funny fortune from Chinese buffet

reunions with dear sisters 

Happy Birthday Jesus :)

my silly parents, oh how I pray for a sweet marriage like yours<3 p="">

momma and poppa had the excellent idea of

sending one of our pastors out on a date with his lovely wife

and spending the evening baby-sitting their precious children.

...and I'm the lucky daughter that gets to take part in these blessings!

New Year New Perspective

Hello 2 0 1 4.

After an early breakfast and seeing my brother off to the youth retreat,

I returned home with the parents for a very relaxing first day of the new year.

Despite my slightly swollen gums from the wisdom teeth extractions yesterday,

 my stubborn self mashed and chewed my mother's 

impeccable homemade mandoo and dduk gook :)

Meanwhile, a sudden break in our boiler led to an unexpected flood in our kitchen.

Thank the Lord for a family with a sense of humor, because what could've been a

stressful incident ended up in laughter and silly walks with the parents to a vacant apartment 

for impromptu showers as we ourselves felt like we were at a retreat center.

From the onset of the new year, God has shown my family

what a blessing it is to have running water.

Lord, what else will you show us this year?

Break has been bittersweet--each day at home meant more time with family

but also came the slightly incredibly unnerving fact that I was one day closer to my flight

back to Philadelphia where another six months of exhaustion awaited me.

Break has been so good, but I've found myself emotionally burdened.

After rolling around at home watching movies with my parents,

I decided to follow them to the Wednesday evening service at church

...where it slowly came together. Little by little.

From my impromptu trip to Village Church last Saturday

to the service this evening and my coffee date with dear sisters afterwards,

God has been showing me the source of the brewing in my tummy all along.

The brewing that was unsatisfied with my jadedness, exhaustion, 

and my frightening indifference towards everything. 

The brewing that recognized something's wrong and 

constantly shouted, why are you putting everything off 

and...why are you so afraid?

This brewing that began in August and continued to silently torment me

as my dread of going back to Philadelphia grew larger by the minute.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified" -1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Direction is more important than speed.

I've been bombarded by "you're so young" and yet coming home to more adult questions

like "where will you be going next?" and "are you seeing anyone lately?"

Knowing my second year as a TFA corps member is nearing its end, 

my heart's been frantically trying to figure out where to go next

and have only been frustrated at the many logistical obstacles that any path seems to present.

Rather than looking ahead at what Christ has already won for me,

rather than working from the victory, and living boldly knowing what is to come,

I've been trying to secretly run this race alone...beating the air and running aimlessly in the process.

This leads me to reflect on what has been a quiet exhausting start to my second year of teaching.

A dear sister pointed out that it's hard to love with the mindset of "I must love on these kids"

but rather my love should simply be an outpouring of the love that I receive from Christ.

And this has been the source of this deep "brewing" in my tummy.

I'm embarrassed to say that my priorities had unknowingly shifted this year

to one that placed my workplace above Christ and the church.

Every time I saw the church bulletin list its many needs,

I've been putting it aside and saying "I have so many lesson plans tonight.

I will be more active in the church once I get my own life together" 

But what is this life I speak of?

A life somehow perfected in the classroom and yet

devoid of an intimate relationship with my Savior?

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,

and all these things will be added to you"

-Matthew 6:33

Daddy, it's so humbling realizing how weak I am...

that I find myself in this place again.

And yet you graciously reveal to me my failings 

so that I can run back to you.

Help me to know you more and love you more this new year.

That rather than a sprint, I run this marathon joyously 

being certain of what you've done in the past

and of what you secured for me in the future. 

May I thus run in this present all the more boldly 

knowing that it is simply You my heart truly desires.

...and all else?

Well, all else can just fall into the places

God intends them to.

Happy New Year, 2014.

Here's to running more deeply and boldly 

wherever He takes me.