This is Why

Sfax, Tunisia      //     Summer 2013

When the pastor introduced me to the congregation,
I had no idea how many would show up to my "conversation hours"

or what those hours would even look like.

The discomfort brewing inside me was a mixture of fear and excitement.

When the first day arrived, I showed up early with a whiteboard from the schoolhouse

and a brief slideshow prepared on my iPad (an honestly last-minute item I had packed). 

After moving a few chairs about, I decided to form an intimate circle.

Perhaps 5 or 6 students would show? Even that felt like a lot.

Again that feeling of fear and excitement exponentially grew stronger

with each student walking through the door, some coming in pairs until we had about 15.

More chairs were brought in and the circle grew larger.

"Fake it 'til you make it"  I was taught in Philly.

So I did. I tried to exude confidence and pretended to know what I was doing.

Who was I kidding though? I was questioning every word and move I made.

As I nervously clicked to my slideshow and looked up, however, I was confronted by

the sight of 15 heads bowed down and pens rapidly setting up notebooks for note-taking.

I had become so desensitized that I was taken aback by such dedication. 

I was moved by their deep desire to learn.

And then I realized...God was blessing me.

The challenging last two years in Philly of having to

createmyowncurriculum-differentiateforstudents-adapttolastminchanges-buildclassculture

led to constant complaints and words of frustration leaving my lips.
But I realized then THIS IS WHY. He was preparing me.

After facing so many class challenges and difficult situations in the room,

it was refreshing to see this posture, this thirst.

They asked to stay longer so we extended 1.5 hours to 3 hrs 3x a week.

They asked for homework, so I started to email them assignments.

Oh grace, why is it every time I go to serve, God ends up blessing me more?

So much that I can NEVER say I did anything for Him.

Anything I try to offer Him, it's His already. All that I had, have, and will have.

It's an endless cycle of drowning in His grace.

Empty Evening

Sfax, Tunisia     //     Summer 2013

The night the family and I drove to the local park during Ramadan

in hopes of meeting locals and sharing the Gospel.

After an hour of waiting, the little ones got tired so we drove home.

The reality of long-term missions.

Sometimes there will be nights when no one comes out.

Times when you will be greeted with empty swing sets, 

see-saws, and the low rumble of cars driving by.

Keep pressing on, family. Thinking of you tonight.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time.
He has also set eternity in the human heart;

yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end"

-Ecclesiastes 3:11

Bucket List #5

Finish an ENTIRE coloring book. Start to Finish.

This will preferably be a joint effort completed with beloved family&friends.

Now I just have to find the perfect book....  :]

Confrontations

"I’ve learned that if someone asks you for advice and you tell them the hard truth and they fight you in response, they weren’t really asking for advice — but self-affirmation to keep doing the wrong thing. That’s asking for less love, not more. And I can’t do that to you. Love means I have to tell you everything, even if my voice trembles and my hands shake and my eyes burn with weeping. Love means I will throw my body in front of you when you’re heading towards the cliff. It will cost my comfort with you. It’s a cost I’m willing to pay." - J. S. Park

God's Love.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/19/brother-christian-isis-victims-forgive_n_6713310.html

“The love for equals is a human thing--of friend for friend, brother for brother. It is to love what is loving and lovely. The world smiles. The love for the less fortunate is a beautiful thing--the love for those who suffer, for those who are poor, the sick, the failures, the unlovely. This is compassion, and it touches the heart of the world. The love for the more fortunate is a rare thing--to love those who succeed where we fail, to rejoice without envy with those who rejoice, the love of the poor for the rich, of the black man for the white man. The world is always bewildered by its saints. And then there is the love for the enemy--love for the one who does not love you but mocks, threatens, and inflicts pain. The tortured's love for the torturer. This is God's love. It conquers the world.” 
― Frederick Buechner, The Magnificent Defeat

Remain IN ME

At first everything told me this job was a bad move.
The salary is unsustainable. What about your college loans? The transportation is grueling. What will you do spending 2 hrs in the train every day? The location was dangerous. Will you put yourself there again? The job will put me further behind for grad school plans. When will you go back?

Now that I look back, it was the most senseless yet rewarding place God led me to.
The salary is enough. I can cut back and cook more dinners (for friends&family). The transportation is a blessing. Spending 2 hrs on the train impresses upon me each morning that the economic gap is glaring and that I need to go where people don't want to. The location was surrounded by God. He placed such good people in my life to befriend in this community. The job has only given me a greater desire for grad school and the trajectory that I need to take. I will apply when the Lord tells me to.

Even further, He has allowed me to support the very same teachers with whom I've worked alongside in Philadelphia, develop relationships between school admin/teachers/students/volunteers/nonprofits, befriend a local church that is deeply committed to engage with and serve the community, connect my own church to community outreach, and gain experience in nonprofits that could help others.

I'm reminded that sometimes the most impractical move in the worldly sense leads to the greatest blessing in the gospel sense. Why? Because God is radical and He works in radical ways.

“Compassion is the sometimes fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else's skin. It's the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too. ” ― Frederick Buechner

Lately I hunger for more compassion. For those in my youth group who are burdened by the pressures in a teenage world and are buckling under parental expectations. For those in the under-resourced public schools who are economically disadvantaged and show up to school either tired and/or hungry. For those overseas who are suffering at the hands of injustice and constantly running from nightmarish terror and relentless heartache. 

Like a close sister had shared with me, I must not let physical needs deter me from seeing the true spiritual need of Jesus that these people all share. It is not for clothing nor is it for food. The deepest hunger dwelling in each of them is the hunger to know a Savior who created and loves them.

And to serve, I must hunger for and eat more.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" -John 15:5

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" -John 16:33

I'm Glad You Came

Thankful for dear people who traveled near and far to show me and Dallas some love this 2014 year.

grandpa Kang rocking his splendid hair and endearing wrinkles

dear roomie Carol flying over to eat some pizza with me in Austin

MeMoore driving up to hang out before her LSATs and trying some Emporium Pie!

High School buds Jenn and Winslow flying down for joyous post-Christmas festivities

Thankful for Winslow's suave photography skills and Jenn's joyful spirit

Road trip buddies showing up at my doorstep one Sunday evening with some flowers and pie!

As someone who expresses love most through words and not enough quality time, I'm thankful for friends who chip away and "intrude" into my stubborn "i'm busy" heart in love and grace. 

Thankful for your friendship, wisdom, and love.