Change

By Your Side
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
-tenth avenue north

The last time I heard this was during inner city missions in West Philly last summer, but I had a sudden craving to hear this song again just now.

I let my girlie side roam freely in front of chick flicks, but tonight's movie was different. Instead of the happy, fluttery feelings it usually gives me, I found myself numb to its charm and dissatisfied by its "picture-perfect" ending. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually easily won over by cute quotes and romantic story lines, which I'm not always proud of. However, there was something about this one that seemed way too...planned? By the time the credits started rolling, I realized that I was neither wooed nor impressed with the story presented before me. When did I become so critical? so cynical?

Or...did life just make me wiser? Weirdly enough, I kept thinking about the other characters other than the two who finally end up together and hog the spotlight for the entire movie. What about the ones they left behind? Did they find their own happy endings or are they too busy mending their own broken hearts?

For the first time, a chick flick left me feeling empty. lonely. abandoned. forgotten.

Then I felt God whispering His love again for me through this song.
I didn't get a chance to spend much time with Him today.
I'm so vulnerable. so weak. so easily won over.
I realize how much I need His word to constantly protect me, sustain me, fill me.
I think now's a good time to delve into something that's more wholesome to my heart.
...something that's more satisfying than fabricated fairytale endings.
mm yes, Goodnight<3

l o v e

Have you ever ached to hug a child you just met a month ago? a week ago?

At first I prayed for some of these beautiful faces by name, but now it's hard to keep track, and I could already feel the names slip through my fingers. I become overwhelmed and anxious, but God graciously reminds me that He knew each child from the beginning of time, that He will never forget a single one, and that His Son is constantly interceding for them all. Wow, who do I think I am? It's incredible how attached I can get but how limited my human capacity to love is. Lord, only you. Only you.

So far this summer has been a whirlpool. I'm being sucked into so many things and at times I find myself breathless and exhausted. On the other hand, when I come out of one thing, I'm left thirsty for more. God, you're really giving me a chance to love until I run dry, but You always manage to fill me up again for the next adventure. Each time I feel so weak, helpless, and dependent on You, but somehow I know that this is exactly where You want me to be.

Take me, Mold me
Use me, Fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hands






Cameroon, Texas, Arizona, neighborhood. I find that kids have a knack for breaking your heart, warming it, then melting it again. Despite the hectic past couple of weeks, I noticed that God has been surrounding me with children...and lots of them. I miss them. The ones who didn't say much and those who could talk until their mouths run dry, those who eagerly followed my praise motions and those who glumly just stared, those who shared their big dreams with me and those who tugged at my braids, those who whispered silly jokes into my ear and those who quietly sat beside me as we enjoyed each other's company. I miss them already. God has been giving me a glimpse of His great love for little ones, whether they're Cameroonian, Korean, Spanish, or Navajo Indian. Yes, they can drive you crazy sometimes, but at the end of the day, when I see how quickly they can bring a smile to my own face, I can only imagine how much our Father prizes them, loves them, and cares for them. I'm thinking of you and praying for you, dear ones. And sadly when I fail you, there's a Father who never will....

"We love because He first loved us." -1 John 4:19

Thank you Daddy for taking me on this incredible journey and showing me how much I need You...for embracing me through these beautiful children and comforting my own heart. I praise you that your love is beyond words, beyond time...that though I may forget them, you never will. I pray that just as you're taking care of me, you continue to water these seeds so that they may grow into fruitful instruments of yours. Please protect them from the evils of this world and fill their lives with the everlasting JOY and hope that is only found in You.

A Preplanned Story

The other night, I sat on my bed reading through my old journal from last summer. There, I recorded my days spent in West Philadelphia as I taught 6th and 7th graders from the inner city with 13 other team members. Memories flooded in and warmed this heart of mine as I remembered my precious students and the wonderful time spent with my West Philly team.

Though we are all doing very different things around the world this summer, I pray that we continue to pray for our students...that God is continuing His work there and that the seeds planted last summer are being watered. I can't believe that it has already been a year...

As I was flipping through the pages, one entry really caught my eye.

June 22, 2009.



Wow, I forgot about that.
"Maybe one day I could put my French to use and go for missions in African Francophone countries...mm something to really pray about."

In French, I wrote "J'espère...un jour," meaning "I hope...one day." I had no idea at that time that "one day" would come just a year later.

I took a moment to reread it a few times. I was so struck by it. In this entry, I recounted the Sunday service at Renewal Presbyterian Church when Korean missionary Michael Oh came to speak. I was fortunate to hear him, dressed in a Japanese kimono, give another moving testimony at Urbana this past December.

So here I am, all packed and ready to go to Cameroon, a Francophone country located in western Africa. It's something that God obviously had in store for me before I even began contacting the Wycliffe representative from Urbana, before I even decided to attend Urbana this winter, before I even entered the church in Dallas that encouraged the trip, before my family even stepped foot into this church in Dallas, before my family moved to Dallas.

God, it's starting to all fit together. These strange little puzzle pieces that you created in my life....it's starting to make more sense. Thank you for being in total control.

So, here I go.
If you would like to keep up with the trip and pray with me, you can find me here:
www.cathygoestocameroon.blogspot.com

I'll be back late June 23rd. See you in a month! God is so good :)

une prière pour ma vie

"The place God calls you is where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." -Frederick Buechner

Father, give me a vision for my life.
I'm not asking for riches or comfort.
I simply want to praise you
because we both know
that is what I was made to do.
True joy is found in knowing you
and doing what you called me to.

So Lord, show me.
Open my eyes, break my heart.
Help me to love until I run dry.
And when I do, please fill me up again.
So I can love again like you do.
Love, Cathy

Birds, Baking, and Babysitting

After leaving two sticks of butter out on the counter to soften, I began to pull out some more ingredients from the kitchen cabinet when my little guests arrived. Having just moved here from Mexico, these two girls are fluent in Spanish and are so insightful at their age, it astounds me sometimes. Nevertheless, they came over to spend an afternoon with me as our moms both headed out to set up for a church event. They came in their matching outfits (something i always wanted to do with a sister), toting their pink princess backpacks full of "cute girly things."

My plan: quick baking, coloring and doing homework, a walk outside to feed the ducks, and possibly a movie to fill in some extra down time

Their plan: making little hearts out of the cookie dough and thereby prolong the baking process, coloring instead of doing homework, a walk outside to get chased by ducks, digging into the dirt hunting for worms (really? HAHA), and watching Finding Nemo halfway before they tell me they watched it already, and oh, coming out of the bathroom with mom's lipstick on.

haha oy.

I must admit though, growing up as the youngest, I love being able to play the older sister role once in a while :) Babysitting is something I inherently enjoy, especially when it involves birds and baking!

lesson 1 on birds
Ducks here are sweet, but the geese can be ferocious. I got mad at the momma goose today. She ran over hissing at me when we got near her family. It seems like when we feed them from afar, they make their way over and eat everything in sight, including crumbs intended for the poor turtles. However, when we come near them, they get angry. Strangely enough, it reminded me of my relationship with God sometimes. When He seems to throw me good, "tasty" things in my life, I joyously come near, yet when He beckons to draw near me, I back away and even respond in a testy way, like that momma goose. I'm sorry God. :(


meet the duck family


baby geese and parents


beautiful sunset over the lake

How wonderful it is to have a Father who still draws near despite my selfish, childish ways. Like Him, I'm going to continue to go visit those birdies with my little bag of cheerios and hotdog buns. So momma goose, see you soon. I'm going to pursue you until you like me! heehee :)

lesson 2 on baking (in regards to oatmeal choc. chunk cookies)
not sweet enough? add more vanilla extract to the mixture :]
too doughy and not enough crunch? add more oats and less flour
still something missing? down it with a glass of milk. heehee.

lesson 3 on babysitting
who says it's a chore?



Besides, baking's more fun with such cute company :]