My Institute Story of Self

It's the day before finals, and I've never felt so nervous.

....and I'm not even the one taking the final tomorrow!!

Nope, these are the finals that my very f i r s t students will be taking.
The first students to entrust me with their learning....with their lives. 

It makes me wonder how my own teachers felt when I took their exams. 

Will they remember to use context clues? Will they have the stamina to write a strong thesis statement? Will they be able to differentiate between mood and tone? Will they be able to identify the various poetic devices? Will they recall that informal does not mean informative?

All these thoughts are frantically swimming through my head as I go into the last two days of institute, of summer school, of being in the classroom with a handful of rising seniors at Delaware Valley. 

I arrived in Philly with the simple notion that this summer was going to be tough. That I was going to be humbled and stretched and that I was going to learn a lot. 

I didn't realize just how little it took to break this confident air of mine...this idea that I was born to teach. No. In fact, if I was certain of one thing, it was that I was born to learn. Learn learn learn. 

From running into a wall with classroom management, witnessing all kinds of behaviors in class, dealing with all kinds of prejudice in the school system, hearing all kinds of disappointing words labeling my students as "not smart" and "way behind," I saw more than I had expected or even wanted during these past five weeks. 

Every walk back to the bus meant a few minutes of heaving sighs under my breath and muttering thanks to all the teachers that had to deal with this during my own schooling. 

At first I had my qualms of going into the classroom to teach English as a small Korean American, not to mention a VERY recent college graduate. Will they trust me? I never had any Asian teachers teach me English when I was growing up. Nope, not even in college. What makes me think that they or their parents will trust me to teach English?! These thoughts quickly disappeared the minute I entered the classroom. It was an entirely different world that I was walking into.

All my life, I was in charge of my own learning. Life was simple. I put in x amount of hours studying and the results would (more often than not) match up to that. Getting results from an exam or a class was never a surprise because I knew that what I sow, I would eventually reap.

When it comes to teaching, I may put in x amount of hours into my work, but it will not always produce those same, once predictable results. (at least not immediately or so obviously on paper) I never know what my kids are up against the minute they walk out of my classroom. Will they come across family troubles? Will they be evicted from their home tonight? Will their electricity get shut off? Will they get any sleep tonight or will their parents be fighting again?
Ms. Kang, I'll get my materials in by Friday. That's when I get my paycheck.
Ms. Kang, I have a court hearing tomorrow. Can I take my final a day early?
Ms. Kang, that's easy to say but not for someone who lives with her aunt and has to pay the rent. 

My heart aches. My power is finite.

Lord, teach me to be faithful in my role. Everything else is in your hands. Give me peace and the faith to trust that you are greater than my biggest failures. Help me be f a i t h f u l in the task that You've given me. Help me to l o v e them the way you do. 

Small Victories

Today I found toilet paper in every bathroom at my school. Miracles happen.

Letter to Grandma

Dear halmuhnee,

The wrinkles on your face began to get deeper. When you laughed, they stayed and I wondered if they would ever leave. But you still laughed and smiled and told me to become the best person I could be so that I could make mom&dad happy. Every phone call ended  with the same request. 

Every trip to Korea meant time in the kitchen with you. On some days, you would mash hot potatoes and mix butter&sugar into it. Just the way I like it. Then you would ever so delicately shape them with the spoon and plop them on my plate. Mm you always knew the perfect ratio of sweet and savory. 

You would get up early in the morning to buy oppa's favorite pastry and heat up a bowl of his favorite soup to go with it--the creamy kind. You would senselessly buy me clothes and accessories...always to the excess. But secretly, I knew that I had a stylish grandma and was proud to flaunt it. You and your hat collection...silly and yet so admirable. I miss you.

Grandma, I celebrate you. It's mommy's birthday...your daughter's birthday, which means I thank you too.

You've given me the best gift in the world. I catch a glimpse of you every time umma smiles. Or when she smacks her lips a certain way. Or when she tells me to take a break...that it's good to rest. 

Halmuhnee, I know how much you love roses. I bet she thought of you a lot today. I wish I had been there to celebrate with her today as well because I'm feeling rather homesick. It must feel so good for you to be finally home. Your real  home. Eternity with Jesus.

Halmuhnee? Thank you for my precious mommy. I'm glad that she had one too. 

See you soon. Until then, I hope you enjoy being in God's presence, dancing with grandpa, and eating the best ice-cream in the world. 

With all my love,

your grateful granddaughter.

Text from Momma

Travel tip #2: "Hold His hand and go everywhere" -dearest momma kang

Institute has been probably one of the most  physically, emotionally, and spiritually demanding experiences of my life. If I'm not sleeping, I'm either lesson planning, grabbing a quick bite, or thinking of my students. Running on so little sleep has been difficult on this little ole' me. Emotionally, I've been struggling with patience--with my students, with other fellow teachers, and many times with myself. It's discouraging when, after spending so many hours staying up trying to perfect your lesson plan, you find yourself bombarded with classroom management issues and struggling to just deliver the objective. And after all that hard work, you grade their work and realize that many of them have still not mastered the concept. You constantly question yourself if you're fit for the role and feel incredibly inadequate while doing all of the above. I've seen people break down in the first week. I've seen people humbled and stretched. I fall into the latter category, and it's probably because I just feel so numb...almost robotic these days. I've never seen my weaknesses so vividly--my weakness of taking command, clearly communicating ideas, and simply knowing how to wait. I've never been so excited for Friday, which means sleep!!

Despite all this, I've seen God clearly remind this fickle heart of mine of just how much He cares.

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.-Deuteronomy 31:8

During my time here, He has allowed me to teach this summer at the school I'll be working at in the fall. He has allowed me to meet some of my students beforehand. He has given me community here, through church, letters, phone calls, dinners, and roommates. He has provided me with leaders who give me honest and constructive feedback. He has given me sisters with whom I can laugh and exchange stories.

Week one of teaching: done. That equals five days of feeling like I've run a half-marathon at the end of every class period. That equals five days of waking up at 5am and sleeping at 12am (if I'm lucky). That equals five days of begging the Lord to get me up every morning when my body screams for rest. That equals fives days of asking the Lord to give me the courage to teach and love my students. And ever so faithfully, He has granted these requests. My kids are growing on me. Every s i n g l e one of them. Praise God.

During one of my toughest days yet, He only gave me just as much as I can handle. And even that, I know is the Spirit fighting more powerfully than ever. What a humbling month ahead....

Thank you mommy for reminding me that I'm not alone. Indeed, He is holding my hand even now. 

Bucket List #4

In a very much giggle-filled late night conversation with a darling sister, we have both come to the conclusion that God is too big for us to be content with white picket fences. 

Nope, no picket fences for us. Only POP___s. I only write this to keep us both accountable. 

This entry may not make sense, but it's okay...it's for one pair of ears only.

So here goes bucket list number four: meet a  P O P ___.

hehe.

signed&sealed,

estherbaby & cathymomma

(in)debt(ed)

So now that I'm a college graduate (yikes, did I just say that?), I'm slowly learning to take on bigger responsibilities like handling my student loans. I completed my exit counseling not too long ago and literally laughed out loud (add a dose of depressed sarcasm) when I came to this part. Basically, a situation in which my loans would be cancelled would be: yes, if I die. It makes complete sense out loud, but on paper it just looks so...morose. As sad as this process may be, who knew that I would take away something good from this rather unhappy biggirl moment?


Let's face it. It's difficult to enjoy home when you know that you're going to be leaving in just a few weeks. While I'm excited to help out with church activities and enjoy dinner dates with the family, everything's so hard when you know that you'll be packing your bags soon and people start asking when you're flying back.


Nevertheless, God has been gracious in teaching me two things during those moments when I'm crying out to say that I'm not ready to leave home and am inwardly throwing a tantrum against my merciful Father: 
1. the importance of keeping an eternal perspective 
2. there is one debt that's already been fully paid for 


During these moments when I know that my time in Dallas is coming to a close (albeit temporary), I'm reminded of the importance of eternity. I sense the burden weighing on my heart every time someone asks me when I'll be seeing them next or every time I count down the days until my departure. I've begun to think, What if life had a time constraint? What if we knew the beginning and the end? What if this life was it? I could picture a world going crazy--hoards of people scrambling to get everything done and buying what they always wanted...a dog-eat-dog kind of world where people would be living for selfish gain. And yet, that is not how God made it to be. We don't know the end days (praise God) nor is this life all we have. Instead, we have eternity to look forward to and that is what makes each goodbye easier, each day a little sweeter. During these moments, I admire the courage of Abraham, who by faith was always "looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God" (Heb. 11:10). 


As I also find myself buckling under the pressure of student loans and more real-world responsibilities, I must remember that there is one debt that actually counts and it is one that no salary over a span of 230492 years can begin to pay off. And that is the debt of my sin, which Christ has paid for, in full (Rom. 5:10). 


During nights like these, I find new meaning to this age-old hymn: O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be! Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love; Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above.

Ballroom dancing

SYTYCD season 4. Kherington & Twitch. Viennese Waltz.

Taking ballroom this semester has been one of the best decisions yet.
Although I had my fair share of missteps and embarrassing wipe outs,

I love slipping into my socks and gliding across the gym floor like a Disney Princess.

It has taught me to follow and learn to let the man lead.

In this ever changing world, I hope such class never goes out of style.

It's amazing how many dances we've learned within the course of this semester,

but my favorite will always be the Viennese waltz.
I always think of this, one of my favorite performances on SYTYCD.